I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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