If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
