Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
