New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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