I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
he told me I talked like a deaf person
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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