I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
