The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
