4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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