just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
