You just made me feel so damn special
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
