genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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