I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
