Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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