Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
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