My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
