How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
