i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
