I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
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