I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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