Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
