At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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