I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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