The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
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