We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
This toilet bowl is my home.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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