My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
