took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
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