then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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