Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
So vagazzling was a success
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
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