A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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