Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize