Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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