So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
