I think my fart just growled at me.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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