There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
