the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
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no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
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So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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