It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
