News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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