My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I am mentally ready for anal.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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