god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
