im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
