what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
