cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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