I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Randomize
