I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
