Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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