i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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