my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
MIDGETS
????
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
