I was born with a shot glass in my hand
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
