you would pick up someone in the library
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
