So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
