Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
