i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
