My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
