just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
