He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
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Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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