I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
