I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
